In an effort to connect with the Ein Sof, the Infinite Reality, this journaling reflection was born.
The pain feels too much. The grief. The terror. Too much. I need a break. To sit on the beach and feel safe. To feel held. What I really want is to feel held.
It’s so hard to feel You here with me. There is no one person that can hold me either. I imagine being surrounded by women in the Kinneret (Sea of Galilee) or the Dead Sea. Floating and supported on all sides. With song. That I can let go, and let G!d. Like in birth: surrendering to the intensity of the contraction, riding the wave. Letting the grief flow through me. Allowing the darkness, the constriction, the deep pain to be transformed into light, that makes space for more of my light.
As I sit, with my matcha tea*, the tide turns and I begin to feel calm. The apathy and tears of a few moments ago turn into inspiration and serenity. The song of the birds, that fell on deaf ears, now brings a feeling of gladness. I know this feeling. When I’m in a state of giving whether with my family, in sessions with clients, bringing food and supplies to soldiers, holding friends, leading workshops… I feel resourced and connected. I feel You.
Even this feeling of love and bitahon (security/trust), however, is unsettling, as I’m aware of the rollercoaster that I’m on and cannot get off of. That takes me from heart-wrenching sobs in one moment to a feeling of expansiveness in the next. That behooves me to embrace the paradox and overwhelming intensity of the full range of emotional vibrations moving through me.
I return to the embrace of the circle of women, in the sea. As they embody Your light, Your Presence, the Shehina’s Presence is revealed. I am held.
Blessings for the hostages, soldiers, those displaced from their homes, those in danger, and all of us to feel that loving embrace and to hold each other through these difficult times
*my morning Matcha Tea recipe ;) cup of homemade almond milk, less than tsp. matcha powder, one date, pinch of ground cardamom. I heat the almond milk (without letting it boil!!!) and blend it all together, adding boiling water til the right temperature.